Kureno Bird Brains: Inside His Mental Mind
by Neptune Fairy
Summary: What the heck? Who would ever guess that such a well mannered guy as Kureno would be a flat out weird, perverted lying scum? Beats me. Click above to see what goes on in this strange birdy's head...part of the 'Inside the Sick Mind of' series. r&r!
1. GANGSTA CHTSPK KURENO

**A/N: Greetings everyone! It's been so hot lately...gosh. Heat really needs to get a life. Oh well.** **sits by air conditioning all day

* * *

**

So the other day, I had a meeting with the rest of the Sohmas.

I had an important announcement to make.

-

They didn't know…about an IMPORTANT holiday…

-

"You know, Kureno, Angsty Emo Day is just some made-up holiday where people wear 30 pounds black eyeshadow, 60 pounds mascara, and 3745542-0548937535gt43563 pounds of black clothing, and they all go around in circles shouting "AH AH AH AH STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN ALIVE."'

"…Okay, so what's your point, Yuki?"

" (breathless)"

"…"

"…PLEASURE RAPE ME!"

"Yay!"

-

So I almost did it.

But right before I did, Stupid Kyo had to barge into the room.

"WTF KURENO"

"WTF KYO"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE"

"A SEXY BIRDY LIKE ME MUST PLEASURE RAPE YUKI"

"ONLY I CAN PLEASURE RAPE HIM"

">>> "

"QUIT CAPING EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU DIDNT EVEN GET THE DOT DOT DOTS RIGHT"

"THEN LETS USE PUNCTUATION AND STOP SPEAKING IN CAPS"

"Okay…"

-

But that isn't satisfactory.

I mean, what can beat speaking in caps without pUnCtuati0n?

-

Hey!

-

I just had an idea.

-

I will become CHTSPK GANGSTA KURENO.

That's hot.

-

For you must speak CHTSPK to be gangsta.

-

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"y0y0 ky0 ma mayn sqz lts rob sum bnks kk i wul letchu hav ma h0mfri beanie kk lts g0"

"…"

"Cherries"

-

Then Kyo bitch slapped me for saying the name of one of his favorite fruits.

After all, this IS Fruits Basket, right?

-

I like to say 'bitch slap.'

-

It sounds smexable.

-

The only problem is, Shigure likes to say that, too.

He even declared himself a bitch.

-

"I am a bitch"

"Go away, Shigure."

-

Now I must continue to be CHTSPK GANGSTA KURENO or I'll lose my dignity.

…And my sex life.

-

Oh well. Akito took my most precious thing away anyway, so why does it matter?

-

"Kureno, will you rape me?"

"n0 i wud nvr rp any1 lk u akit0 ur 00glay"

"…Then what if I start speaking chtspk?"

"Then I would never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never not except."

"I am God."

-

OH. MY. AKITO.

-

Akito is God in bed.

Yay!

-

Oh no. Shigure's heading this way.

He's gonna start speaking his 'bitch' nonsense.

-

"I am a bitch"

"Shutup Shigure."

"I am a bitch"

"Yes you are."

"I am a bitch"

"(singing) Oh, I thought I told you to shut the trap!"

"(singing) I am a bitch"

"(singing) Oh no, you ain't comin' far!"

-

Hey.

That was catchy.

-

Me and Shigure can make…

AN ABULM.

-

Haha, you thought I was going to say something else, didn't you?

Why, you perverted little…

Um…

Smexy scumbag.

-

"I am a bitch"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, DAMMIT!"

"BITCH SLAP ME, DAMMIT!"

"(bitch slaps)"

"…(sad)"

-

Yay! He stopped!

-

I ems da GANGSTA CHTSPK KURENO.

Phr me kk

-

Hey look! It's Hiro on a stick! Fresh lamb chops!

* * *

**A/N: Wow. That was strange...very strange.**

**Reviews welcome!**

** Neptune  
**


	2. You're just not sexy enough!

**A/N Bored. Sitting here at home and daydreaming of…**

**An update! Whoo yeah!**

**You're so lucky.**

**

* * *

**

Today, Akito was bored, and so was I.

So we went…

-

BIRD WATCHING, GASP!

-

It was f-u-n.

It's my favorite thing to do.

-

Besides videotaping Hatori in the shower.

Muahaha.

-

I even brought my encyclopedia. I made Akito read it for me.

-

"So it says here that this rare species of bird keeps nice and warm in its nest all year long, mating with 22,987 other birds of its species in its lifetime, having 9,888.456929932402231086276473 offspring a year, AND…"

"…"

"…7,986,253.2 RA.PE VICTIMS, BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"OMFA THAT'S SO HOT"

"What?"

"…"

"Look! A titmouse!"

"TITS? WHERE!"

"Aren't you gonna catch it?"

"Like hell I will!"

"…"

-

Poor Akito. No matter how hard she tries, she will never understand any of my se.xual desires.

That and…she's just not sexy enough.

(cries)

-

"Aww, what's wrong, Kureno?"

"(sniff sniff) P-poor Akito! So young, so ignorant…so un-sexy…she couldn't even rape a soda machine!"

"Oh, but I CAN!"

"…"

"What? Can't I rape soda machines?"

-

That Momiji, I'm tellin' ya.

His mumma should've taught him not to be so vulgar…

…Yet he's so sexy it kills me.

-

"Um, Kureno?"

"Yes, my precious Yun-Yun?"

"You're thinking out loud...and talking about Momiji in a very sexual way…"

"But Yuki, I thought you _liked _sexual things!"

"…True…"

"…"

-

I think Yuki should work as a sexaholic.

It'd do him good.

Even though he's cursed…

-

But hey! I'm not! I could become one!

…Eh. Maybe not. I'm too sexy for that crap.

-

"Akito!"

"What is it, Kureno?"

"I am God!"

"GASP"

"…In bed."

"Noo0000oo0oo0oooo0000o0o0ooo00oo0oo0 I am supposed to be God in bed, you said it yourself!"

"Ya wanna _prove_ that you're God in bed?"

"YES"

"Well, I'm sorry Akito, but you're just…not…sexy enough. (turns and walks away)"

"NOOO COME BAAAACCKK! (angst)"

-

Okay. I'll try someone else. Let's see how they react.

-

"TOHRU"

"Oh! Yes? What is it, Kureno-san?"

"Um…that is…you'renotsexyenoughsoyou'renotgoodenoughinbed."

"Eh? EH! W-qweywtwtes6t584653275erkegtsfgsf spazzspazzspazz"

"Yay! Spazzing!"

-

"Hey, Ritsu!"

"Y-yes?"

"You're so un-smexable, you couldn't screw a wall! You're useless! You're horrible in bed!"

"I AM SOOOO SORRY I'LL BE GOOD IN BED FOR YOU RIGHT NOW I'LL GO SCREW A WALL IF I HAVE TO I AM SOOO SORRY FOR NOT BEING SEXY ENOUGH I WILL APOLOGIZE TO THE WOOOOORLD!" (dies)

"O.O Wow."

-

No. I don't really think that.

Ritsu, like Momiji, is o n e s e x y b a s t a r d.

Thinking of him and a bed is very arousing…

-

"Kureno. You're thinking out loud. Again."

No0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o Yuki I wasn't, cuuuuuurse yoooooouuuuu!"

"I'm already cursed. Curse _you._"

"…Dammit."

-

Yuki just cursed me.

(cries)

-

Y'know, I never thought of the benefits of staying cursed by a zodiac animal.

-

There's what just happened, for one…

-

…But I can't communicate with any birds. Waah!

-

What a shame. It would be so cool if I could get one to do some p0rn for me. But I can't…I'm...I'm not cursed!

(sad)

-

"Hey Kisa! Is that p0rn you're watching?"

"Yes."

"Yay!" (Is happy again)

-

Now, if only I could talk Kisa into doing p0rn…

* * *

**A/N: Credit to Dukoro-chan for the 'sexaholic' thing.**

**This chapter was terrible! Whoopee!**

**Neptune**


	3. Akito ate my 7th Cousin

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket. Durrrr.**

**Hello. Today was very b-o-r-i-n-g. But hey, like you care. Another update, whooo!**

Akito ate my 7th cousin thrice removed.

And then she ate my brother.

-

"Oooh, Kureno, look! I'm eating one of your distant cousins!"

"GASP"

"Oh, yes! And your brother's a.s.s isn't too bad, either!"

"Eep!"

-

Bi-atch.

-

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to find out what happened in all the grocery stores down the street. I never get out much anyway.

I saw a Vons!

So I went over and into the poultry isle singing "LA DEE DA DEE DAH HMMHMMHMMMM"

-

"(GASP) No! It can't be! MY FAMILY HAS BEEN ROASTED! SISTER! UNCLE! GRANDMA! WH.ORE-BI.TCH AUNT! NOOOO!"

"(People in store shoot dramatic stares)"

"What? Will you show some freaking concern here?"

-

…Wait a second…

(grabs self )

I'm in danger of becoming POT ROAST!

NOOOO!

-

"Pot roast? Ooh, yummy-yum-yum, goody-goody-gumdrops! (does a dance)"

"Shutup Hatori homie."

"…(sad)"

-

EVERYONE. IS. AGAINST ME.

-

AAAANGST!

-

Jiyfghdsafiuteot86745.

Hgatsf.

-

Haha. Bet you can't decode that. I rock. MUA. HAAA. HAAAAAAAA.

-

Does Tohru know she's the hottest sl.ut on the planet?

When I see her in her high school uniform skirt, it turns me on…it turns…me…on…

-

"Kureno!"

"What now, Kisa? You ate my FATHER?"

"No, Kureno, you're masturbating on top of me, you serial rapist man-bi.tch!"

"…Dammit."

"I'm telling on you!"

"Telling who?"

"HIRO"

"…(runs)"

"(Hiro runs after)"

"(Gets kicked in the balls)"

"Hahahaha TURKEY"

"LIESSS"

-

Turkey is the most emo nickname anyone can give me.

-

It's so…emo.

-

So today I tried to stick a train up my pants and tell Uo it was something else.

-

"Hey, Kureno! Is that a TRAIN!"

"Haha, no, Arisa! IT'S MY DI-"

"Hey you! Over there! You stole that from my TRAIN station!"

"…(runs)"

-

Have you noticed how everyone here says TRAIN in caps?

Hells yeah.

-

TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN.

-

Yeah. I like that.

-

"Haha Kureno! I ate your sister's TOES"

"TOES WTF DIE (electrocutes)"

-

That's it.

-

I don't care what anyone else says or does, BECAUSE…

-

I'm eating an EGG.

Gasp!

-

"(cooks egg for breakfast and puts on plate)"

"(Rin walks in)"

"(takes his first bite)"

"Um, Kureno, I think that's your nephew…"

"(Eats more intensely)"

"…"

-

Yep.

Best. Breakfast. Ever.

-

Ooh! Are those Ren's BOOBS? (runs over)

**A/N**

**Pervyness to da maxness.**

…**Review?**

**Neptune**


	4. The Benefits of God Powers

**A/N: S0 lyk h3r3s 4n updat3 w1th a ch3rry 0n t0p y334a4a4a4ah**

**TT Sorry. Couldn't resist.**

**-**

Akito is so lame.

-

She came up to me today and was all n00b.

-

"Good morning, Akito."

"Oh h3y Kur3n0 I'm lyk s0o0o0o0o0o hungry, wh4t r w3 g01ng t0 lyk h4vvv 4 br3akfast? I'm s1ck of ur st00pid s0ba s0o0o0o0 I'm g0ing to lyk h4v a gall0n 'a sak3 n wh1skey ye3e4a4ah pass it round 2 m3 none of that che4p stUffff b1ah b1ah b1ah wh1p cream is g00d!11!eleven!11!one-thousand-one-hundred-eleven!11!11

"…"

-

Have you ever noticed how I ALWAYS talk about Akito?

-

Omfa.

-

"Akito! You're my obsession!"

"WTF"

-

YOU are my obsession.

-

Ew, no, I wasn't talking about you.

-

"I was talking about you, Momiji."

"Wheee! (seduces)"

"Momiji, you didn't seduce me! All you did was put the word in parenthesis at the end of your sentence!"

"…(sad)"

-

Then later, Rin challenged me to a contest with some of the others.

She said it was impossible not to get syrup on your hands when you eat it, so that's what we did.

-

(10 minutes later)

"HAHA! Look at me! I'm the only one who didn't get syrup on their hands, wh0o0o!"

"That's right, Kureno, you didn't. You got it all over your FACE."

"…(cue mascara and angsty look)"

-

Stupid Kagura. Someday I'm going to make her eat pork. Muahaha.

-

I think I'm going to go get on Hiro's nerves.

-

(Goes over to his house)

-

"Hiro!"

"What?"

"I PWN YOU"

"You PAWN me?"

"No. Pwn! PWN!"

"Then get your stupid spelling right. It's OWN!"

"Oh, okay. I OWN YOU"

"…"

-

I hate Authoress Neptune-san.

She always makes me speak weird.

-

Yesterday, I saw Haru eating a burger.

-

With EXTRA MEAT, I might add.

-

"Haru is that a BURGER"

"Yes. I like burgers."

"B-b-b-b-b-"

"What?"

"The beef…!...meat…!"

"Yes. I, the cow, am eating beef. Now piss off"

"NO! (runs)"

-

So then he turned black and murdered me.

But Akito, with her special GOD POWERS, brought me back to life! Yay!

-

Haha I mentioned her again!

-

What's this?

-

Akito's _giving_ me her GOD POWERS?

-

Awesome! I can do…whatever I want!

-

"Kureno?"

"Yes, Kisa?"

"Can you help me with my homework?"

"(looks at questions) Oh yes. The answer is…the fifth number of the alphabet!"

"…"

"What?"

"There's only letters in the alphabet."

"Oh but of course not, my young and ignorant Kisa. For with my special GOD POWERS, I shall make into existence…THE NUMBERABET!"

"Whoah! COOL!"

-

I feel…amazing!

-

"Kyo! Eat five pounds of leeks!"

"…(does so)"

"YAY"

-

"Hatori! Turn gay!"

"Yes, GOD POWER Kureno! (Turns gay and seduces Yuki)"

"YAY"

-

This is SO fun.

I shall now mess with Tohru.

-

Tohru! STRIP TEASE FOR AYAME"

"….(does so)"

"(Ayame in utter joy)"

"YAY"

-

"I command you, Kyoko Honda, to come back to life!"

"…(comes to life) YAY! I'm ALIVE!"

"(causes another car to run over her)"

"(death)"

"YAY"

"Kureno, you idiot, stop using those "YAY"'s at the end of each accomplishment!"

"Kyoko, you're supposed to be dead."

"Oh. Right. (death)"

"…YAY"

-

Eveilness! EVEIL! So evil it must be spelled "EVEIL!"

-

"Now that's just stupid."

"Shutup Kyo! I'll make you eat more leeks!"

"I'm Tohru!"

"…(runs)"

-

I'm getting bored of this. Hmm.

-

Maybe I should just go ask everyone if they still have their virginity.

That would be fun.

-

(Cut to responses)

-

Rin:

"…"

-

Hatori:

"Nope. Lost it to Kana! HAHA! Raped her good."

-

Shigure:

But of course it's gone! You wouldn't believe how many times I've ((cut off because Gure-san suddenly had an itch and coincidently had to go to the restroom)).

"You itch too much, Shigure."

"Lyk 1 C4R3 B14TCH"

"…"

-

Ayame:

"Oh, well who else would I have lost it to but our precious flower Tohru! Kyonkitchi saw it and almost killed me though, but Yuki came in and SAVED me! Ah, so many times has he crossed the line of true brotherhood, but never seems to lean toward opening that door. SIGH"

-

Haru claimed that he was suddenly craving a hamburger, and rushed over to the local McDonald's.

-

Kisa:

"I still have it, but Yuki almost took it! He tried to raaaaape meeeee! (cries)"

-

Hiro:

"I'm 12 for crying out loud! And just what would you do with this information, anyway?"

-

Yuki:

"Oh, pssh. Those stupid fangirls…"

-

Kyo:

"It's none of your business, ya damn lech!"

-

Kagura:

"He says that, but he really lost it to ME! (Tee hee)"

-

Ritsu:

"I AM SOOO SORRY I STILL HAVE IT1!11! I'LL LOSE IT TO WHOMEVER YOU WANT ME TO I AM SOOO SOORREEYY AKITO PUT DISGRACE ON MY NAME11!ONE!"

-

Momiji:

"Nuh-uh. It's all gone!"

"HUH? It's GONE?"

"Yep!"

"B-but who did you lose it t-t-to…?"

"A SODA MACHINE."

"…"

-

And I lost it to myself!

Wh0o0o0!

I was so good.

-

Call me Home Chicken, yo.

-

**A/N: A strange chapter indeed.**


	5. Say Yes to Drugs!

**A/N: Chapter 5 is now here…**

**Disclaimer: Oh my golly gosh! I do not own Fruits Basket! Blahdy blah blah.**

**-**

I like bubble gum.

-

You know why?

Because it tastes like bubble gum.

-

I bought a whole bag of bubble gum at the Dollar Tree.

So I stuffed my pants with it.

Along with some Jolly Ranchers.

-

My butt looked big.

-

"Hey Ritsu! I'm a candy ass!"

"…Right."

"No seriously, I'm a candy ass. You wanna see?"

"Er, um, no…thanks?"

-

Dammit. I have no choice now but to…stuff these all in Momiji's drawer!

-

With the disgusting "Swell" brand of bubble gum.

-

"What IS this crap?"

"You don't like it, Momiji?"

"No! It tastes like Akito's ass!"

"You…know what it tastes like…?"

"(Pervy smirk)"

"0.o…"

-

You know what?

I'm sick of Tohru.

-

Her sexiness disturbs me.

-

I'm going to write her a letter.

(writes)

(gives to Tohru)

(Tohru reads)

-

_Dear slutty flower who wants to seduce Yuki and Kyo,_

_Don't do it to them. Do it to ME. I'm da shmex y0._

_I shall rape you. Hold on a second. Let me re-write that._

…

_I shall _**pleasure**_ rape you. Muahaha. So you better run away little girl Run as fast as you can to y0 momma's grave and…uhhhh…bury yourself there. Yeah. Bury yourself. AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK…ummmm…RUN LIKE THE WIND! NO! QUICKER! FLY LIKE LIGHT! FLY LIKE MOMIJI ON CRACK!_

_Okay…so I guess you're wondering why I'm talking about running. Well, the real reason I sent you this letter was to tell you…_

_Umm...was to tell you…_

…

_YO MOMMA'S DEAD CORPSE WAS GOOD LAST NIGHT (RUNS)_

_-Kureno_

_-_

"K…Kuren-"

"(runs)"

-

She'll never catch meeee.

-

"OH YES I WILL, YOU SICK-ASS BASTARD!"

"Oh shit! (Flies like Momiji on crack)"

-

Haha! She didn't! (does yaoi dance)

-

Although I while I was flying, I crashed into a pine tree that offered me cocaine.

-

I TOOK IT DAMMIT.

-

Say 'yes' to drugs, kids! Damn all those 'talk to your kids about smoking' commercials! Damn them to hell! I'm an adult who has been taking these for years. They make you happy! They make you do kinky things! So go to any random crack seller right now and WASTE your money on them. That's right. Tell all those 'smart adults' to go shove a mountain up their ass! WHO'S WITH ME?

-

"…"

"Erm…"

-

Pssh.

-

You know how I said that Shigure itches too much?

It's no lie.

-

Just look at page 155 of volume 1! 135 of volume 2! 48 of volume 8! 187 of 12!

-

It's disgusting. Does he have dandruff or something?

If he does, I shall give him a present.

-

"For you, Shigure!"

"What is it?"

"Head & Shoulders."

"GASP"

"What? You really need it! You itch an aweful damn lot, on your head especially. So go use it! CHOP CHOP CHOP!"

"(…throws a bitch fit)"

"(KURENO SIGH)"

-

I think Yuki had a hangover last week.

-

Cause I tried talking to him.

-

"Say Yuki, what do you like better: Donuts or guitar strings?"

"Nrrrrggghh."

"I don't believe I included 'Nerds' Wonka candy, Yuki."

"WHERE'S THE (BLEEP BLEEP) ASPIRIN? I CAN'T (BLEEP) FIND IT! FIND ME THE (BLEEP) ASPIRIN OR I'LL RAPE YOUR SISTER"

"I don't have a sister…"

"(collapse from use of breath)"

-

Maybe it's MY destiny to be ALCOHOLIC.

-

Yep yep.

-

"Kureno! Who put c.um in my wine bottle?"

"UMMM"

-

**A/N: Kinda short, I know. Sorry.**

**Review!**


	6. I'll Go Harass Ren's Huge Boobs

**It's memorial day, so we have an update!**

**Tomorrow I start my first year of middle school…**

**Steve Irwin died. (cries)**

**Anyway…**

**-**

You know what really makes me h0rny?

-

Peanut butter and Jam sandwiches.

Because they're made with Hiro's Special Edition Sexy Lamb Kinkified Peanut Butter 3000.

Or...

HSESLKPB 3000 Peanut Butter.

-

The sexiest brand on earth.

Not available in any store or retailer near you. Go visit Hiro at the Sohma Estate or call 1-800-KINKIFY.

-

SO. SEXY. AND. KINKY.

-

"I know. It's D4 5h17"

"D4mn 57r41gh7"

"…BALLS"

"Gasp"

-

Hiro really likes saying "balls" for some pervy reason.

But then again, I like saying "boobs", and "ass", and "sp-"

"DO NOT SAY SUCH PERVERTED THINGS"

"Okami-san? What the hell are you doing in this story?"

"O.O I don't know. The authoress invited me, so I came."

"I hate the authoress! She makes me talk like a 57r337 7hug g4ng57a!"

"You're talking like that again."

"0h 5h1t u 50000 r173 h3r3 1 g0 4g41N!1eleven!1!"

-

Have you ever realized how Hatori and Tohru are meant for each other?

If you took the last letters in their names and exchanged them, they'd have all or part of each other's names in their own!

Hatoru and Tohri.

Muahaha.

-

I made the cover of Playboy with Shigure.

We were holding fifteen beers and we were all like, "SEX MEEEEE UPPPPPPP 4 MONEEYY"

-

Today was supposed to be Sohma Musical Day.

So EVERYONE IS SINGING.

-

"SHE WORKS HAAARRRDD FOR DA MONEY SO YOU BETTER TREAT HER RIGHT!"

"Akito, stop singing! You're hurting my ears!"

"And you know what ELSE I have to contribute to Sohma musical Day?"

"No, Akito! DON'T!"

"(does)"

"Auugghh, man that smells bad."

-

Akito had a bean and cheese burrito for lunch, obviously.

-

I hate Kagura because she's always stealing my p0rn.

-

"I wasn't stealing it! I was just taking it to my room to inspect and pick off all of the dirty dust molecules!"

"I know what you're experiencing, and we have nothing to lose! So come on, let's fuck each other like there's no tomorrow!"

"…"

"…damn."

-

"I will!"

"Go away, Momiji!"

"(ANGST)"

-

I'm going to harass Ren's huge boobs again.

**Yes, very short.**

**Much love for reviewers!**

**Neptune-san**


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